I'm The Luckiest Girl In The World!
Yesterday, I got the trailer park woman's perfect gift.
Booney brought me a box of chocolates. No, not just any box of chocolates. This one's truly special.
Yes, it's in the shape of a heart, as you might expect, and it is even filled with delectable little bites of various chocolate covered goodies, like most Valentine gift-boxes are.
BUT...
What makes this one special is the fact that it's of a select few that were actually packaged and marketed specifically to be sold to "Larry The Cable Guy" fans. Yup....complete with chicken wire and duct tape. It even has Larry's signature catch phrase, "GIT-R-DONE" emblazoned across the lid, right over the oh-so-romantic statement, "hot fer you!"
How could any redneck woman resist that?
And what made it most special of all? My sweetie picked it out of the bargain basket as he stood in line at the Piggly Wiggly, buying a six pack, and actually made it all the way home before he opened it to take the first bite!
He's MINE girls!
I'm such a lucky Gal!
New Year Resolution for 2007...with a twist
I resolve NOT to...
2. Blame the dog for that smell.
3. Do pilates near anyone with a strong gag reflex...again.
4. Rely on the cat to "tell" me it's time to clean the box.
5. Refer to Keith Urban as, "the other white meat."
6. Allow my butt to spread like kudzu.
7. Think of the removal of unwanted facial hair as "adequate" aerobic exercise.
8. Buy our grandson a drum-set until he is at least three years old.
9. Run with scissors, unless I'm wearing a really good sports bra.
10. Always drop everything because Robot Chicken is on.
Christmas Wishes
Letter To The Editor
In my whole life I have never asked for open toed socks, potholders shaped like bass fish, gallons of kerosene scented perfume or a five pack of Bud.
But, I get that crap every year.
Now, I realize my family isn't rich. I even understand that I don't rank as the most important gift receiver during the Christmas season. And I don't want much. Really. I'd rather they spend the money on the kids anyway.
Seriously, a little forethought would go a long way here.
Is it too much to ask for my family to consider my personality before plunking down some dough at the nearest Quicky Lube on their way to Christmas dinner?
I mean how much effort would it take to just write me a note. That'd do it for me. Really!
Something like...
Mae,
I know how hard you work to keep the family together and I just wanted to say thank you, very much.
I love you, Honey.
Merry Christmas, Baby!
Your loving husband,
Cloy
PS...Enclosed please find passes for 5 days at that fancy day spa over in Clearwater.
See, simple and heart felt...that's all I want. But what will I get...another singing fish no doubt.
Thank you,
Mae Duncan
Poor White Trash
I hear everyone griping about this identity theft stuff. I don't know what the problem is. The last time it happened to us, our credit rating went up 20 points.
Going through life as poor white trash isn't the easiest, or most dignified lot in life. I had to get a cosigner to put a toaster oven on layaway last week. I didn't even know they offered layaway at the Goodwill. That will come in handy next Christmas; I saw a real nice set of sheets that Booney's Mom would love to have. There was only one small stain, I'm sure she won't notice....
The Moment Of Truth
I've never been so embarrassed for someone in my life as I was for poor Tilley this past week.
There she was, finally at the thresh-hold of marrying off her eldest, and trampiest daughter, and this has to happen.
Starlena looked beautiful in her wedding gown. No one said a word about her choice of red, we all understood.
There she stood, next to her betrothed, Buster, when the Preacher said those infamous words, "If anyone knows of any reason why these two should not...."
The room is deadly quiet, until from the back of the room someone clears their throat and begins to speak up.
All heads turn to see Tilley's husband, Curtis, waving a Budweiser can and pointing at the bride and groom as he spoke.
"You can't marry these two Preacher. I can not tell a lie, I had an affair with Clara years ago. Buster's my son."
Sister Bernadette screams, "Lord, Jesus!", and falls out of her pew in a dead faint.
Starlena runs from the room in inconsolable grief, with Buster, the preacher and Tilley following her.
Curtis downs the rest of his Bud, burps loudly, then walks out the double doors, head held high. The whole congregation is now murmuring and several make cat calls after him. The Burger twins say in unison, "For shame!"
Booney looks at me and says, "Well now, this ain't near as borin' as most weddin's I've been to."
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